In her 2012 book, “The Charisma Myth, How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism,” Olivia Fox Cabane, the world’s foremost expert on the science of charisma seeks to dispel the myth that charisma is an inborn trait. In fact, charisma is a skill, and it can be taught and learned.
She starts off with a story of Norma Jean Baker who could walk the streets and subways of New York without anyone noticing or recognizing her. She famously said often before her transformation, “Do you want to see her?” suddenly almost instantaneously, without any change to her clothing, make up, or look, she would transform into Marilyn Monroe. People would immediately recognize her. The changes she did make were subtle. Her body language, that is her non-verbal behaviours, such as poise, posture, expressions, voice, movements, all changed to produce instant personal magnetism. All these subtle charisma inducing behavioral changes can be identified, taught and learned. A corollary is that since charisma is a set of behaviours, charismatic people are not always charismatic, and we can all increase our charisma.
“Charismatic behaviour can be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth.” Presence means that you give the impression of focused attention. Power means that you give the impression of having the means and willingness to fight for or with your tribe (confidence is a very close substitute for power). Warmth means that you convey the impression that you like the other person. Projecting these three qualities simultaneously is charisma. Three quick tips the author gives to improve your charisma by projecting presence, power and warmth are: 1) lower your intonation at the end of sentences, 2) reduce the number and frequency of nods, and 3) pause for two seconds before you speak.
“These elements [presence, power, and warmth] depend both on our conscious behaviours and on factors we don’t consciously control. People pick up on the messages we often don’t even realize we’re sending through small changes in our body languages….In order to be charismatic, we need to choose mental states that make our body language, words, and behaviors flow together and express the three core elements of charisma.”
People can tell if you are engaged in a conversation or just going through the motions. “Being present means simply having a moment-to-moment awareness of what’s happening. It means paying attention to what’s going on rather than being caught up in your own thoughts.” To increase your presence, practice meditation. Any form of mindfulness discipline can help. Try, even for 1 minute before meeting people, taking a couple of slow deep breaths, closing “your eyes and try to focus on one of the following three things: the sounds around you, your breathing, or the sensation in your toes.” The author claims that we are very rarely ever really mindful of the person we are talking to and that if we show just a little bit more presence it will be positively noticed and your charismatic behaviour will have increased – the better you get at it (that is the longer you can be present in a conversation) the more memorable you will be in a charismatic sense.
“Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status. We look for clues of power in someone’s appearance, in others’ reaction to this person, and most of all, in the person’s body language.”
“Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following: benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power.”
Because very rarely do we have a full background on anyone we meet, we make guesses based on clues. For example, well-dressed projects wealth; warm smile projects likability; listening intently projects presence. These clues and many others are evolutionarily hard wired into us and are older than language therefore the non-verbal body language you give off is more important than the words you use. “[O]ur body language expresses our mental state whether we like it or not. Our facial expressions, voice, posture, and all the other components of body language reflect our mental and emotional condition every second. Because we don’t control this flow consciously, whatever is in our head will show up in our body language.” This is good and bad. Bad, if we do not know it; good when we realize that techniques of emotional regulation can induce any state of mind, including a charismatic state of mind. “[I]f your internal state is charismatic, then the right body language will flow forth effortlessly.” Learning charisma is basically gaining an awareness of your internal state of mind and the tools to effectively induce the desired state. When it comes to charisma your state of mind is functions like a placebo or a nocebo; for good or for ill, what the mind believes, the body manifests.
To regulate one’s emotional and mental state requires practice and knowledge of several techniques. There are often some obstacles to overcome. Anything such as physical discomfort or emotional turbulence “that affects your visible, external state – your body language – even slightly may affect how charismatic you are perceived to be. When interacting with someone, assume that he or she will feel (at lease on a subconscious level) that whatever you do relates to him or to her.” If there is physical discomfort, work to prevent it, recognize it, and/or remedy or explain it. If there is mental discomfort such as anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, or self-doubt, the author recommends four techniques to overcome mental and emotional obstacles to projecting charisma.
The first technique she calls “responsibility transfer”. It involves a meditation in which you visualize a transfer of responsibility for whatever mental discomfort your are feeling. Step 1: sit or lie down and close your eyes. Step 2: relax by taking one or two deep breaths and imagine breathing out the bad worries and troubles. Step 3: “pick an entity – God, Fate, the Universe, whatever may best suit your beliefs – that you could imagine as benevolent.” Step 4: imagine taking the burden that troubles you off of your shoulders and putting it on to your Deity and recognize that the Deity is in charge now. Step 5: trust the Deity that the best will come out as it should. It should be noted that this technique is not a substitute for the work and preparation needed for your goals. It is only a technique to increase your charisma when you have anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism or self-doubt and you can’t get rid of them in other ways.
The following three techniques to alleviate charisma killing mental discomfort can work individually but often work best together. They are 1) destigmatize discomfort, 2) neutralize negativity, and 3) rewrite reality.
Many cases of mental discomfort come from our evolutionary history. Our brains did not evolve to make us think clearly and objectively – our brains evolved to help us survive in a wild environment. One of these survival instincts is a negativity bias: it is more likely for you to survive in a state of nature if you are prone to be anxious. This was a survival adaptation that may be less needed in today’s world, but the mental hardwiring is still there and we have to deal with it.
“Destigmatizing an experience means reducing its power simply by understanding that it’s normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of.” To destigmatize discomfort try a meditation: 1) remember that it is likely a legacy of our survival instinct 2) dedramatize: we all experience this discomfort from time to time, 3) think of others who have gone through the same discomfort – especially people you know or admire, and 4) see the discomfort as one shared by many people who are experiencing this in the world right now – you are part of that community.
“Neutralize negativity” means coming to realize that your mind is biased in favor of the negative for survival and not for reality. Try a meditation: 1) assume you are missing a lot of facts which could be true, 2) “see your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.”, 3) name what you are feeling, 4) depersonalize the experience – instead of saying ‘I am anxious’ say ‘anxiousness is being felt’, 5) now imagine that you are zooming out of the situation, overlooking it from far up in the sky or in space – make the experience seem small, 6) consider the worst case scenario and realize that this too shall pass, 7) if you have experienced this mental discomfort before remember that you still made it through.
“Rewrite reality” means taking a minute to cognitively reappraise the situation. Your first instinct is your survival instinct – the emotions that induce a fight or flight response. However, in the modern world a flight or fight response is much less likely to be the best response. In fact, in our world a charismatic response is most likely best, that is a confident and warm response. Try a meditation in which you try to imagine what good reasons might be behind the events that led to your mental discomfort – that is “consider a few alternate realities.” To be clear this technique is there to overcome your fight or flight response and draw out charisma. It is not meant to be take reality and replace it with wishful thinking. You must still be open to the facts you have access to too.